I love Mamma Mia, it makes me feel awful.
bittersweet melancholy
Mamma Mia is one of my favourite movies ever of all time. I genuinely believe it is one of the best films ever made, like it is more of a classic to me and my friends than The Godfather. I like The Godfather but I love Mamma Mia. I don’t trust people who dislike it. You obviously have no joy in your heart and you’re probably misogynistic. (just kidding…mostly). It means so much to me. It’s the movie I watched the most as a kid. With my cousin when we were young and still naive, we would watch it in full and back again but that time it would be the sing-a-long version. We would preform the songs standing on the couch, straining our voice and exhausting ourselves attempting to keep up with Meryl Streep. But, that’s not what I love about it. It’s not something shared, the feeling is just for me.
I’m honestly having difficulty putting the feeling into words.What exactly do I love so much about it? It unabashedly displays its heart in full. These Oscar winning and James Bond alum dance and sing to Abba songs and yes, it is a bit funny to see Pierce Brosnan in a spandex performing outfit, but he does it with full confidence. It isn’t snarky, it’s joyful. There is so much love in this film. Sophie and Sky with their blooming young love. Donna and Sam who reconnect after years apart, their bond as strong as ever. The three dads discovering they have a daughter and immediately deciding they would kill/die/sing for her. And of course, Sophie and Donna. I don’t know if I have ever watched the Slipping Through My Fingers scene without either tearing up or full out bawling. When I saw the stage performance with my mom a few months ago I did a terrible job at keeping it together.
Schoolbag in hand, she leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye with an absent-minded smile
I watch her go with a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that I'm losing her forever
And without really entering her world
I'm glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl
You only get one mom and she only gets one daughter. She gets to raise you once. Echoes of laughter in the home you shared. Missed trips and opportunities. Good talks after a movie night in her room. Bad talks on the couch. You are a reflection of one another, her hopes and goals live on through you. Her eyes mirror yours, the same as her smile. She knows you in a way no one else will ever be able to, they can’t even come close. It takes one song and one scene to encapsulate this. One scene and song to rush one hundred memories and bittersweet regrets into my mind. And while this is something I equally dread and cherish, it’s not why I love it or why it makes me feel awful, at least not in full.
The music!! The music is incredible. Whoever thought to make a jukebox musical with Abba’s discography was either a genius or just had common sense. My favourite song is probably The Winner Takes It All, because duh. My favourite musical moment though, has to be Dancing Queen. There is an inescapable joy throughout the movie, but especially during Dancing Queen. Women cheering up their best friend by dancing and singing? Women joining together to sing and dance Abba all around a small Greek island!? With a feather boa no less. Jumping off the dock at the end of the song just because it feels right!?!? I love it so much it makes me want to vomit and fucking cry! I will never get to experience this feeling in real life.
Real life can’t be Mamma Mia! It makes me the kind of angry that feels unreasonable. The kind that even shouting wouldn’t help. Because there is no remedy. Even watching the movie is no good, it acts to make me simultaneously hopeful and depressed. Bittersweet melancholy. It never could have been, even before I didn't need to find a better job or worry about loans. Pure bliss cannot be manufactured, no matter how hard I try. It must be found, not made. I can’t go around singing Abba songs out of nowhere, especially with no backup dancers. I can’t go to Greece, I don’t have a passport! I can’t feel it for real. Oh, how badly I wish I could live that feeling. While it never could have been, the older I get the harder it would be to make it come true. It’s not escapism for me, it’s wishful thinking.
I feel this way about a lot of films and television. I’ve spent much of my life wishing my universe was more like the character’s I watched on screen. Dirty Dancing provides me with similar grim retrospection but not quite so severe. Why didn’t I get to go to a summer vacation club in the 80’s where people pretend it looks like the 60s, and have a daring summer romance, and not be put in a corner, and dance the night away!? Real life can be so hard. What an obvious thing to say, wow! But, it is. Responsibility, distance and bullshit. I always wished my life had been more like a movie or a show. I don’t even pretend like it is anymore because it just isn’t healthy, but I can’t help but keep on wishing no matter how hard I try to ignore it. To cloud my brain. Keep my thoughts on autopilot. I stopped feeling as much because it’s never as good as the movies. One rewatch of Mamma Mia and those feelings sneak through and then I’m a mess. I know many people love Mamma Mia but I selfishly like to pretend it’s just for me.
Mamma Mia is one of my favourite movies and it makes me feel awful. Despite attempting to push it all down, I cannot accept that I will never get my movie life, my Mamma Mia moment.
But, you see, the winner takes it all.
Thank you so much for reading!!! I’m sorry I’ve been so inactive. I have been busy doing absolutely nothing! Anyway thank you again for reading, dancing queen🌸🪩🩵
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Em